ITALY TO BE CROWNED EUROPEAN CHAMPIONS AS EVIDENCE SUGGESTS MATCH WAS FIXED

ROME/KIEV, 2 July (Reuters) – Football fans from the world over admired Spain conquering the 2012 European Cup in style last night, only to be stunned this morning by new, unexpected evidence that the final match was probably rigged. The appearance of unseen footage from the game has prompted an immediate investigation by the UEFA Justice Department, which is reportedly relying on external support from several intelligence agencies, including the Interpol, the Cia, the MI6, Israel’s Mossad and Russia’s Fsb (formerly Kgb). According to sources close to the European football’s
governing body, the investigation may possibly unearth one of the greatest
scandals in international sports ever.

The footage – provided by the Vatican State Television, which had its own, all-seeing camera crew in Kiev – has not been made available for media scrutiny yet. However, sources from the church of San Giovanni in Laterano (Rome) provided Reuters with exclusive details about the content.

On the first of Spain’s four goals, these sources claim, a new camera angle clearly shows the winning header being taken by a man wearing a black jersey, while the linesman’s flag lies seemingly abandoned by the side of the pitch. On the second goal, Italy’s goalkeeper Gianluigi Buffon appears to be chained to the post, while on the third one he is fighting off a Rottweiler allegedly unleashed into the field by the opposite team’s bench. On the fourth and final goal, Spain’s own keeper Iker Casillas is seen defending Italy’s posts, though with questionable effort – according to lip-reading sources with access to the footage, Casillas mumbles “whoops!”, without making a move, as he watches the ball get past him and make its way to the back of the net.

Every time the Spanish manager Vicente Del Bosque called a substitution, these sources add, the player supposedly leaving the game actually ducked behind the referee, only to re-join the battle minutes later. A San Giovanni choirboy who counted both teams’ substitutions claimed that Spain was actually allowed as many as 8 during the game, thus ending up with 19 men on the field (“I had a feeling we were outnumbered!” commented Buffon).

The official result has been temporarily suspended to allow for a full investigation. If found guilty (a highly likely outcome, according to sources from the Cia’s headquarters in Langley, Usa), Spain will be banned from international football until its GDP reaches a 10% annual growth, while last night’s result will be changed to Italy 4, Spain 0 (Mario Balotelli is likely to be awarded the four scores, thus finishing as the top striker in the competition). Italy may also be awarded the 2008 European Cup, the 2010 World Cup and the Sagrada Familia, Antonio Gaudì’s masterpiece and Barcelona’s best-known landmark.

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